The Undisputedly Perfect Idiot’s Guide to Dating a (male) bass player

by Harald Weinkum

 

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are for educational purposes only and by no means reflect those of its author, editor or publisher, and are not to be used in any past, pending or future divorce proceedings against any of the aforementioned.

 

Preface

 

The most common titles of today’s guide books addressing the various challenges of our daily lives range from non-offensive ones ("Gardening made easy") to time-related ones ("HTML in 24 hours", "Repainting your car in a weekend") to merely insulting ones ("Origami for Dummies", "The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Seducing").

The reason we chose our particular title lies in the very nature of your enterprise: if, indeed, you are currently dating a male bass player (or even consider doing so), you MUST be an undisputedly perfect idiot!!

Read on for a logical, deductive-reasoning approach of why you’re already doomed, or live on for a real-life proof thereof.

 

Chapter One: “To date or not to date”

 

The most important piece of advice, carefully boiled down to an easy-to-follow rule of thumb: DON’T!!!

 

Chapter Two: "Get out while you still can!"

 

If you already made the mistake of letting him move in with you, share your car or introduced him to your parents, here are 3 excuses of various degrees of credibility, that will end your tragic relationship right there:

 

• a) "My E-N-T doctor tested my hearing, and my curve drops to minus 28 dB below 200 Hz. Therefore I will never be able to fully appreciate your artistic accomplishments and don’t want to stand in your way of receiving the validation you deserve." (The artistic approach. Works best for jazz and fusion bassists)
  
  
• b) "I am allergic to both nickel and stainless steel, threfore I cannot have any physical contact with persons playing stringed instruments. You are welcome to stay if you can commit to leading an asexual lifestyle from now on and appreciate each other solely based on our inner beauty, spiritual awareness and verbal communication." (The sexual approach: works like a charm for players of all rock-based styles)
  
  
• c) "Honey, did you ever think about picking up a real guitar? No offense, but bass seems to be a pretty lame instrument. Also, I tried to pick up what you actually play, but I only can make out the lead guitar and the drums. And when you play by yourself, there’s no melody to it…" (The pride approach: this should get him off your back for good!)
  
  

 

Chapter 3: For those already committed to a L-T-R with a bassist

 

Here’s a few tips to minimize the damage and help you manage your everyday life:

 

• Don’t wake him up when you wake up. He might have had a long night of jamming, rehearsing, drug trafficking, or - darn it! - even gigging, and he needs a good 10 hours of sleep to regain his creativity.
  If you need some interaction before you leave for your day job (hey, someone’s gotta pay the rent), write him a sticky note and put it on the thermos of coffee you brewed for him, or put it next to the allowance you granted him for his various daily expenses, such as: strings, picks, CDs, more picks, corona, guitar center credit card payments, lockout rent, high-speed net access, an occasional tattoo and maybe a just a few more picks.
  
  
• Don’t yell "Honey, I’m home!" upon your return. You might interfere with the momentary surge of creativity he has been waiting for all this time, and destroy an otherwise surefire Billboard chart-topping Rock Classic literally in its tracks. In fact, don’t say anything. Whenever he’s ready to talk to you, he will make himself known to you. Maybe.
  
  
• Don’t ask him how he spent his day. Being an artist, he cannot be expected to engage in such sucker-activities as acquiring monetary compensation for providing goods or services, so don’t ever pressure him to do so. Whenever he wants to tell you about his day, he will make himself known to you. Maybe.
  
  
• Don’t ask him about his plans for the evening. He might still be waiting for his band-members to get back to him about a pending rehearsal or a possible jam. If he ever wants to spend a particular evening with you, he will make himself known to you. Maybe.
  
  
• Don’t stay up waiting for him, and, under no  circumstances, ask him where he’s been and who he hung out with. Being a grown up man, he does not need anyone telling him what to do and when to do it. If he should ever feel the urge to tell you about his evening, he will make himself known to you. Maybe.
  
  
• Come the weekend, don’t think that just because you’re off work, he should all of a sudden drop everything and spend time with you. Creativity knows no weekend, and traditionally Fridays and Saturdays are important nights to be seen in certain hotspots. If he ever wants you to join him in his weekend activities, he will make himself known to you. Maybe.
  
  

 

Chapter 4: Advice for the recovering bass-dater

 

This should provide you with strategies to stay clean of further low-note trouble:

 

• Make your next boyfriend a deaf one.
  (On second thought, judging from modern commercial radio, there’s gotta be hundreds of deaf or near-deaf bassists out there. You might skip to the next, even safer suggestions).
  
  
• Engage in the “SAFER AXE”-program.
  Using a standard wire-cutter, look out for any stringed instruments that vibrate slower than 200x per second and immediately disrupt those elements. If their owner restrings his instrument and asks for your phone number, get a restraining order ASAP!
  
  
• Rquire an IQ test before the first date.
  Since both Sting and Paul McCartney are safely out of the single-market, restricting yourself to more intelligent partners should eliminate most of the remaining bassists. (Actually, there is a loophole consisting of a number of extremely bright jazz bass players, but since jazz and single women have virtually no common denominator, it’s only a theoretical loophole).
  
  
• Consider alternative forms of relationships.
  Stay away from men in general, or at least limit yourself to one of the following: Catholic priests, Buddhist monks, Bank tellers or VW beetle drivers. All of these groups have proven to be virtually bassist-free for decades now.
  
  
• Or, even easier: look for a guy with a monthly paycheck.

 

 

Afterword:

 

All of these tips should prove priceless in helping you females stay clear, temporarily cope, or recover from dating a bass player. If you have any additional and possibly helpful experiences of your own that you would like to share, you are more than welcome to write them down, put them up on your wall, share them with your girlfriends, flush them down the toilet… but whatever you do, please DON’T bother the author, the editor or the publisher with them… cause guess what all of us have in common…?